I’ve been feeling off lately. Most days, I’m just waiting for Friday to come around. It’s the one day when I can really chill out and not worry about work stuff. On Friday nights, I don’t have any work calls. I don’t have to stress about going to bed early because I can sleep in the next day. I can turn off my work notifications for two whole days. And I get to hang out with my wife without feeling rushed.
There’s just too much noise everywhere. Honestly, any little sound bugs me these days. There’s always construction going on in my neighborhood - the sound of cutting tiles and drilling into walls. And don’t even get me started on the traffic noise. Loud bikes and honking cars all day long. Sometimes even the whistle from the pressure cooker gets on my nerves, which is kind of crazy, I know. I’ve started using earplugs that cut out a lot of noise, but it’s still tough.
I can’t focus well in the evenings, but that’s when I have most of my work meetings. For the last 3 years, I’ve been working with people all over the world. Since I’m in India, I have to match their morning times, which means I’m stuck at my computer from about 7:30 PM to 9:30 or 10 PM most weeknights. Ever since I left my old job at Atlassian, my work day has shifted later and later. After COVID, going to the office in Bangalore is a nightmare because of traffic. Even if I manage to get home early to beat the traffic, I still have to jump on these late-night calls because they’re important for the work we do.
I’ve always been pretty hard on myself when it comes to my job. I keep putting off feeling good about what I’ve done because I always think I should be aiming for something bigger. Throughout my career, I’ve often felt overlooked and had to really fight to move up. I’ve had to prove myself over and over again. My bosses were nice enough, but they never seemed to really care about what I wanted. My promotions were usually delayed for some vague reasons.
My family lives up north, and it’s not easy to see them often. I’m starting to really feel that distance now and wish I could be closer to them. Most weekends, it’s just me and my wife going out. Back when I had more friends around, we’d meet up sometimes and that change of scene would give me a boost for a few days. I really enjoy hanging out with my friends.
I have not been regular to gym this year and sometime succumbed to eating food which I know is not good for me. I sometimes have time in day but still feel mentally stressed out and skip the exercise.
At the start of this year, I had a bit of a meltdown before going on vacation. I felt guilty about taking time off work and kept worrying about stuff not getting done. It didn’t help that my coworkers weren’t really pitching in to cover for me. I ended up breaking down and crying. I’d been pushing myself too hard with regular work and extra goals. The main reason I was doing all this extra work was to try and get promoted faster. I thought if I worked hard enough, I’d get good reviews from managers in other teams too.
This whole “work super hard” thing started way back when I got passed over for a promotion at Flipkart. It felt like favoritism, or maybe just a strict rule about how long you had to be there before moving up. Managers seemed to care more about how long you’d been there than what you were actually doing for the team. Something similar happened at Amazon - my manager kept pointing out how long I’d been there and ignored all the experience I brought to the team. Maybe this is just how things are.
Another thing that’s really getting me down is wondering why I’m living so far from my family. I know money and a career are important, but when you have those things and still feel helpless, it’s the worst. I can’t be there for family birthdays and stuff, and I think they’ve even stopped celebrating like they used to because of it. They make excuses to wait until I visit to go out for dinner. All I can do from here is send a cake or a gift. And honestly, those gifts don’t mean much to me because I can’t see them enjoy it - it’s just another thing.
I realized how much all the noise was affecting me when I visited my cousin in America. Even though I was jet-lagged, staying at his place for those two days really recharged me. The neighborhood was so quiet and peaceful - you could hear birds chirping and leaves rustling even in the middle of the day. I can’t remember the last time I experienced that in India.
Music and podcasts used to be my go-to when I was at the gym or heading to work. I loved them. But lately, they’re not doing it for me anymore. It’s like they’re just adding to all the noise that’s already in my head. I can’t enjoy them like I used to, and that’s pretty frustrating.
I’ve been thinking about how I’ve always had a hard time focusing. Even when I was a kid, I couldn’t sit still for long. Now, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’ve had ADHD all this time without realizing it. It would explain a lot about why I struggle with concentration and why all this noise bothers me so much. It’s like I’m just now connecting the dots about myself.
I do not know. Only the time will tell and I do not want to put a date on this recovery.